I bought Doky a flea collar, which has nothing to do with the rest of this post...

This week, I lost a little of the magic.  I realized that in any given day I am super stressed because I'm busy or stressed out because I'm really bored (...Should I be doing something right now?  What can I be doing?  What if people think I'm being a bum?  How many hours did I actually spend working this week?  Do they think I'm anti-social if I close my door for a nap?).  I also realized that there is no in-between.  I'd found some normalcy within that structure, but this week had a little more of a stressful-because-I'm-busy tinge to it and my vulnerability has been revealed to its fullest extent in the wake of absolute exhaustion.  So I need to equalize and it needs to be now – I'm tired of crossing off things from my to-do list only to have something else marked “urgent” tacked onto the end.  Actually, I should create a classification for tasks that require more immediate action than those that are simply “urgent” because to my inexperienced development worker eyes and ears...well...everything is “urgent”.

 So...what do I do when I'm really stressed?  Not exercise, I'm finding out...nope.  Which is weird.  I really liked going to the gym in the United States.  I liked blanking out and focusing on the rhythmic movement and the music in the headphones.  So why is it so hard to get that going again?  At first I thought it was because my only option was running and I hate running, but it's not my only option.  There's a lot of things that I could be doing and the idea of exercising is appealing, soooo...where's the disconnect?  I don't know, I'm still working on this one.

 I remember several interviews with Peace Corps in the application process and the interviewers seemed quite interested in whether or not I exercise regularly and would then talk about the stress relief, the “me-time” that it can provide.  Oops.

 I also don't meditate or do any sort of deep breathing.  If I do, I always just fall asleep.  And then I feel, like, ashamed of myself because I don't have the willpower to concentrate on nothingness and everything-ness.  Like, what does that say about my mental stamina?  I try not to think about it (I do, of course, realize that that just proves my point).

 Something that I definitely do – listen to the This American Life podcasts I had downloaded before I left.  I started doing that again yesterday and today.  Impeccably produced, This American Life acknowledges that even the most simple things are complicated, but that it's okay.  Or you know what?  Complicated might even be the wrong word.  Just...profound, deep in meaning and wonder.  It makes me hopeful about everything.  It's so satisfying to know that there are people who are interested in breaking down ideas and experiences into their most elemental parts, carefully examining why something (everything) is so important to the human experience.  This American Life validates my sensory overload in a way.  It's okay to hone in on the inconsequential because it never is.

 Staying in touch with people at home has proved to be a temptation to get a wireless internet card for my computer.  But I always thought, “Well, it's expensive to pay the monthly fee and I can always enjoy a day out of town once a week to access email and update my blog...”  But now...I mean, I'm running out of This American Life episodes.  And they're all from last year or the beginning of 2011.  I didn't get a chance to listen to about twenty of them because I was busy and now...I imagine that by the end of next week I'll be out.  Time to make the plunge and buy the internet card?  I believe so, yes.

 Another thing that I do is – maybe you can tell – write.  I write a lot anyway for work purposes...the diagnostic, letters soliciting an English teacher at my town's elementary school and donations for a bingo that the Sports Committee is using as a fundraiser.  My most recent is a letter to the Ministry of Agriculture and Cattle (MAG) asking for black heavy-duty plastic bags for the tree-planting project (the trees are still pretty small so we can't plant them, but they do need larger bags).  I like writing, and writing in Spanish is a challenge, so I have a lot of fun with the work that I'm doing in that regard.

 But something else happens when I sit down to write just for pure expression of ideas, no other purpose.  My head feels clearer and more fit to write now that it ever has, probably because I'm not switching between Word and Facebook every five minutes.  So anyway, it's really enjoyable and I find a huge release in moving things from my brain to the screen.  Thanks to everyone who reads for giving me a reason to take a break from what I'm doing and communicate with y'all  back home.

 Aaaand of course, reading.  I am eternally grateful to the Starrs for bringing me books this weekend!  Let the Ender's Game marathon begin.  This week is just going to have to be about retreating a little bit to get some perspective and I can think of no better way of doing that than assuming another, fictional perspective.  Related to this is my excursion this Thursday to Liberia to see Harry Potter in theaters, nights out of community also being a pretty excellent way to re-organize my thoughts.  And I'll probably spring for a five-dollar pedicure.

 No I won't, that's a lie.  I'm already spending six bucks on a hostel and three dollars on the movie.  And I might go to the beach Tamarindo on Tuesday.  So no pedicure, hehe.

 All in all, although this week was pretty shitty, there are ways to deal with it.  The things I've talked about right now are just personal pursuits, too...there's a ton of talking with other volunteers, talking with family at home and people in my community.  And Peace Corps administration has been more than attentive to my concerns after I called the office about some things and has encouraged me to call back with updates which was hugely comforting.  I mean, everyone in this world just wants their feelings validated, right?  I'm no different.

And anyway...you know...even on a bad day, I'm still in Costa Rica.   And even during this week that was bad, I know I've got 86 more that can be good.